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| Learning about yourself. There's the good and there's the ugly. Once you've experienced the ugly, there's no longer bad, badder, or baddest...it can only be uphill from the ugly. VBS was so wonderful this week. There's something so rewarding about working with kids. At first meeting, they don't try to pretend to be nice. If they find something wrong with you, there'll be no hesitation to tell you. If they don't like you, they simply won't talk to you. Some of my children had trouble opening up to the teachers. That was the hard part. Seeing these children and wanting to form relationships with them...but they aren't willing. It's such a helpless feeling. There's not much room to reason with them, at least not with the younger ones...except by bribery. But by the end of the week, these children were talking to us non-stop, getting excited at the sight of us, sharing their lunches with us, allowing us in their conversations with friends, calling us by name! After the trip to the zoo, several of them asked me if I would sit next to them on the bus! Man, that is such an awesome feeling. For someone to want to have you in their presence...to be around you, to enjoy your company, to become excited at the thought of being able to tell you stories. Such simple needs and desires. And I feel like this is what God wants as well. Just for us to be with Him. To enjoy His company and to let Him enjoy ours. He desires us. Just as I desire to know these kids, God wants us to desire to know Him. He has so much to show us and tell us, things beyond what we can even imagine (Habakkuk 1:5). How can I not be excited to know someone who promises us such great things?? Yet, here I am, in my walk of faith, standing in a swamp, unable to bear fruit, unable to see two steps in front of me. If Jesus is the vine, and we are the branches, I think I've broken off by weight of myself, by the things I keep hidden, the decay that is building up inside the inner fibers. Can I ever be a part of that vine again? Perhaps I'm only hanging on by a few splinters. But I know, I know.
This is my desire...
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| I love the stereotypical Asian home, as in the thermostat that's set at 60 some degrees, if not less. But what I love even more is during those rare occasions when you actually feel the heat coming through the vents. I love to stand right above the ground vents. I love to try and stick my toe between the gaps so as to try and get closer to that source of warmth. But after standing there, warming up for many minutes, I realize that there is a need for a home that's frequently cold, as well as frequently warm. If it were warm all the time, our tolerance for the cold would just continue decreasing (to a certain point) and we'd just want it to be warmer. Never good enough. If it weren't for those many shivering, blanket clutching, rubbing your feet on the carpet in order to get warmer moments, I wouldn't know and appreciate and love the warmth.
On another note, HAPPY NEW YEAR!! I thought it'd be a kind of crappy celebration because I'd just be at home, not hanging out with friends or anything. But my parents and I went to dinner at a relatives who just moved into their new home. I got to spend some time with some really cool kids I haven't seen more than twice a year. Babies have that staring thing right? Like when they start recognizing people. It's like they study you. If you're new, you won't get a smile, a word, a mumble, nothing. Just that stare. It makes me kind of sad when my cousins do that. A new addition to the family, my 9 month old cousin, just stared at me when I got there. And kept staring. And staring...and staring. I just wanted to see her smile at me. But she just had that fixed gaze. And the breakthrough moment...she cracked and I was so so happy! She started talking around me (though it was all gibberish and squeals and other misc. noises babies make) and playing and scrunching her nose and smacking her lips. :) It's been my favorite moment at home so far. And then I met this little boy named Ryan. He's less than a year old and is so intelligent. He has a knack for memorizing people's names, but I didn't tell him mine until near the end of the night. Finally, we told him, and he goes, "Shen-na-fwer".  I melted at this point. And then he just kept saying it and asking where "Shen-na-fwer" was and saying "HI SHEN-NA-FWER!" :) Oh boy. I love kids. Anyway, I think the point of this was that my new years turned out better than I expected. And all just because of some baby talk.
Mmm...and thanks for calling me and wishing me a happy new year you awesome person, you. Maybe I sounded weird to you because I was so happy. Seriously. It really, really meant a lot to me. :) Thank you! MMMM-AH!!!
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| Of course when homework time or exam time comes around, I find any way possible to distract myself, to avoid the work that awaits me. So here I am once again.
So many things have been going on lately. I haven't had much of a chance to sit back and think about it and take it all in. I guess I sort of hope to do that right now, aside from a means to avoid being a student, to lay out my thoughts I suppose.
I really thought that after changing majors last year that I had figured out what I was going to do. I even thought about ways I could serve God through engineering. Engineers Without Borders. Building facilities/homes for a familly or a neighborhood overseas. But now as I think about it again, John 15:16 says "You did not choose me, but I chose you and appointed you to go and bear fruit—fruit that will last." Did God really choose to me to serve overseas? Did God really choose me to be an engineer and work to provide a solution to giving everyday necessities without it? I believe those are awesome ways to serve God and I think those people who work with nonprofit organizations like that are amazing. However, I don't believe I have been called to be one of them. And that's something I continually have trouble accepting. Seeing such an amazing opportunity before me. But yet, having to stretch to my limits and stress more than serve in order for whatever it is to happen...is not what I think God wants for me. That is not to say that where God has called us to serve won't be challenging. But I think that wherever and whatever He does call us to, we will be well equipped for it and it will be in something that we have already been blessed with. A friend shared with me and reminded me of 2 criterea of which only one need be fulfilled for a career choice: 1) God has given you the ability to do well in pursuit of it and 2) You enjoy it. Very simple. But, for me, can also be very easily overlooked. I thought good pay, job security, multitude of jobs could replace those 2 items. After a year of frustration, stress, struggle, and poor results, I've finally brought myself to admit that I'm not cut out for this field. Brain picking. Calculator clutching. Engineering paper tablet-ing. No. Not for me.
I can't believe I'm going to be in school for at least another 3 years. I feel embarassed to say it. I feel somewhat like a failure. It will have taken me 6 years to graduate college by the time I get out. I fall into that statistical number of super seniors. Great.
But I just think about what I will (hopefully) be studying. Art. ART! I get to draw and doodle and paint and create! I always knew I was a kinesthetic learner. Why didn't I convince myself to do this earlier?? It makes it all worth it. I read somewhere a while back that if we seek the higher road, there we will find God. But I also think that if we search our heart, we will find God there also. Not that He is contained there. Not only there. But with all of us, we are His. His creation. His child. His own. And He promises that if we delight ourselves in Him, He will give us the desires of our HEART (Psalm 37:4). Man. How awesome is that!
Yet, how is it that I constantly find myself falling from Him? God has all these promises for us. He has all these awesome plans. But...do I not truly believe them? I guess not. I guess I still see things practically. Which is possibly why I'm scared about changing to Design. Will I not get in?, my mind constantly wonders. But I'm just doing what I love to do, is that possible as a career?!, I utter in disbelief. I need to believe in God. Not just that He exists, but in everything He says and promises and punishes and rewards. I need to believe in God's Word, not as just a bunch of stories, but as a LIVING text. In Bible study Auntie Cindy said one purpose for reading the Bible was so that we could catch the significant points. Why these significant points? Because God knew then just as He knows now what we are facing and what we are about to face down the road. And He teaches us. Not only by our own experiences, but also by His WORD. LIVING. BREATHING. WORD.
I just need to continually remember of what and whom I am made for. Wherever I decide to go in life, whatever I choose to do in these next few years, however I decide to go about it.
It's God.
If you would like to, please pray that I would not lose sight of this and get caught up in only what I want and rely on myself to do things.
Thanks. :)
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| the campus is a place where students live in community. if someone needs to borrow a cake pan, a friend is only a phone call, or a door knock, away. want to go study together so we can keep each other up? OKAY! let's head up to the library. we can get some good quality studying time there... wait, am i talking about state? as far as i remember, there's no place you can really just get away in the library. you're either out in the open and cold or on some visibly overused couches and cold. not to mention noisy. and the door knocking thing? oh yeah...who's door?
i think i've figured out why i feel lonely here at state a lot. it's the feeling of not having anyone to call and ask to come over easily in a moment's notice. there are people here. but...i don't know them. no, not really. there's no one here that i can be myself around without getting tired doing it...trying to be a certain aspect of myself. i guess that's what i define as a good/best friend. someone who automatically understands who i am, my tendencies, and still loves me. i just...don't think i have that here.
everyday i come back to the apartment almost dreading it because i feel like the relationship between my roommates and i are so superficial. what is it based on? nothing...but being thrown together and being forced to form an on the surface-good relationship so we can continue living together. the only thing that keeps me coming back is my room. my very own room. but even that is starting to blend in with the rest of the apartment. the thin walls that fail to muffle the sound that fills this space as screams and running footsteps clang like gongs in the hallway. all these fake smiles and attempts of relating to each other fall short. the truth will always be revealed.
this is not how i want want to (not) get along with my roommates. i was looking forward to making new friends (though scared to death) this year. but as soon as exclusion set in, i withdrew. once i'm cut out of the loop, i feel like i could never be let back in.
i don't know what happened to the friends i've had previous years here at state. i hear phrases like, "that's how you know who your true friends are." but i don't believe that. things happen in life. sometimes it's easier to stay in touch with friends. sometimes it's not. but i really wish i had those friendships in my life still. it would be really nice to just hang out right now. watch a movie. chat. laugh.
i think that's why i like being at unc so much. because i can find that there. or rather, it happens there. getting together randomly to study, watching a movie, checking out free food events. i got jealous when people were watching movies every night towards the end of the school year. because i wanted that. i want that. i want to have friends here that i can just go to a door and a floor away. but all i have is a phone call, an interruption that i need a reason for.
at the same time, i know God put me here for a reason. i've realized i depend on people too much. not anyone in particular, but everyone. even in one of my roommates. i knew she was Christian, and in a way i thought i'd be able to rely on her to help me deal with the other roommates. but that's not how it's turned out. i'm just as distant from her as the others. maybe she has it better figured out. she gets along with them. very well. and she's doing much more good by ACTING, rather than just thinking about it, like i am, which in turn isn't really doing much of anything.
i desire to be...closer to God. ultimately. i want to be put somewhere and be able to know why without having to do it wrong first and then being shown. i want to be able to find my comfort, completely, in Him. i want to be able to sit here in my room, being still, not having any plans, knowing my friends are out and having fun, and just knowing that i'm not alone. and i want to be able to find my strength in Him, especially in times like these when i can be so degrading on myself. strength to pull me up. strength to be humbled and turn to Him. and strength to carry out His will.
yeah.
thanks God.
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